What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
#MeanwhileinCanada
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.