I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.