I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
It’s a gift
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill