Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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When news reporters do sports stories
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens