*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I have many caverns
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.