My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
🦝🔥🦝🔥
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.