When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.