Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?