Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
🤣😈🤣
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014