Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time