Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
You Might Also Like
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?