Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
You Might Also Like
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My birthstone is kidney
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Please do it!