*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.