My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?