Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
i wish all
whales
a very
big
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Guilty! 🤪
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree