*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I get distracted pretty eas
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]