*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT