never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work