her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The 6 types of sex
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history