When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)