[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.