Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller