“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Good morning y’all ☀️
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Finally
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?