My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
as is their right
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.