kitchen magnet
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does