Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
You Might Also Like
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
thinking about a very short hotdog
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.