Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”