peak technology
You Might Also Like
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*launders Kohls cash*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.