Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments