once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
? 💀
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
God has left this place
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.