I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that