“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Choose your fighter
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?