Noah was an idiot.
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild