I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
uncle dave has been through hell
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now