Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids