[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.