“what’s it like having a sister?”
You Might Also Like
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
can’t bark with your mouth full
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
This is my brand.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.