“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!