I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Breaking news:
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M