[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me