*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Solving a traffic jam
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Discuss
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?