The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.