date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.