I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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The first matador
A small tragedy.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old