Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
This took me a second..
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building