Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis