I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Perfect
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show