ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?