I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.