When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg